THFC - aka Eaton Bray Lawn Tennis Club!

Posted on March 1, 2011

What an amazing few days it has been here in the boardroom of EBLTC. There have been various comings and goings of internationally recognisable stars from both business and sport.

Late night negotiations have kept us up until breakfast, and our lawyers fees alone are already running into the millions (note to self; ask Chairman to put subscriptions up a bit next year).

So what is all this about, I hear you ask?

Well I can exclusively reveal, here in Focus, before you read about it in the newspapers or see it on News at Ten, that we have negotiated a multi-million pound deal to sell our tennis courts! You will have read that West Ham United have won the right to take over the Olympic Stadium after the 2012 games. That left THFC - Tottenham Hotspur Football Club - with nowhere to go. So sensing the chance to make a few quid, we phoned White Hart Lane and asked to speak to ‘Arry. We made an offer; for 25 million pounds you can buy our courts and build your new stadium there! We agreed to start negotiations in the coffee tavern that evening, and we’re delighted to announce that a deal has been struck! (First time round we got the wrong number and got through to Harry, the manager at the White Hart in Dunstable who was very surprised at being asked to pay 25 million quid for 3 tennis courts. He said “I’ll give you 15, luv”).

All arrangements are in place, contractors organised, contracts signed and bribes paid. The courts will be dug up next week, turf laid, and painted like a football pitch (penalty areas, six yard boxes, the lot). However, and this is the clever bit; after each match on Saturdays, the pitch will be ‘re-branded’ (our marketing manager came up with that) as tennis courts and re-painted accordingly. So we will have Spurs playing on a Saturday with 60,000 people watching from the new all-seater stadium to be constructed in the rec (sorry about the skate park lads) but then on a Sunday we can take over again and play proper lawn tennis with our usual crowd of about 3. We’ve agreed that they can sit anywhere they like, but the burger joints and bars won’t be open. This, therefore, is the ultimate ‘ground share’ where Spurs and us both benefit from a mutually beneficial business venture (the marketing bloke again). They keep the gate money and we get 25 million up front, as much white paint as we can store in the clubhouse, a box for life (that’s one to stand on not to watch from), and free parking and burgers for life. Simples.

Clearly School Lane will have to be widened to accommodate the extra traffic expected, and a couple of Hemel Hempstead type roundabouts built, but that’s a small matter and we reckon we won’t need planning permission if we do all the work at night. Striker Peter Crouch has already been into Densons, and has his sights on a nice semi in the Orchards. Manager Harry Redknapp intends to base himself in the bar at the White Horse and will conduct transfer negotiations there over a few pints of Spitfire. His wife was concerned about how she will fill her time in a small village, but has found employment at the Happy Valley where she will be section leader of the chip department. Chairman Alan Sugar required a dwelling a little more up-market, so has chosen a 35 foot chrome-trimmed caravan (double axled at that) for which we have gained planning permission to be parked on the unused grassy triangle at Moor End. Well we haven’t actually got it through in writing yet, but our lawyer Phut Pholt says in won’t be a problem. It will add a bit of class to a rather run-down area of the village and help stop cars parking there in Carnival day. Finally, training facilities for the team have been leased (or rather commandeered). We all measured our back gardens and Glenn Wigley had the biggest, so the team will train there 4 times a week. The ducks will have to be re-housed so ‘Arry has offered to sneak in one night next week and take them somewhere safe where he can look after them. Apparently he’s also ordered 10 pounds of oranges from Tescos to be delivered the next morning. I never even knew ducks ate oranges. Amazing what you learn at EBLTC.

For any further information about the club, including when we get together for our social tennis sessions up at the School Lane courts, or our various activities, you can visit our website at www.ebltc.org.uk.

Source: Focus, March 2011