Eaton Bray Lawn Tennis Club

Posted on April 27, 2008

Dear Mr Chairman,

As requested, here is my weekly report from the Cayman Islands. As you'll remember, you sent me here last month 'for tax purposes' to await the arrival by air-mail of 7,000 Subbuteo pitches and around a hundred grand in used tenners. As I recline in the shade beneath a coconut tree on the white sandy beach sipping a rum and coke, I have to report that, to date, we are substantially short on the pitch front having received just two, one from my mother who found a reasonable second-hand one at a car boot sale in Solihull, and one from a Mr Robin Banks of London who included a ransom note demanding a million pounds or he'd 'spill the beans' about our builder's VAT situation. I've stitched the two pitches together (I could only get red cotton) and will send them to you, so if we don't get any more then just try to stretch them a bit over the courts. We'll just have to make do with a red half way line, but as Luton never get over it anyway, it shouldn't be a problem.

Money-wise, things aren't a lot better. Apart from trying to find a million quid to send to Mr Banks, I've received no tenners at all. Did you give everyone the right name? The big fat bloke in the next deckchair keeps getting loads of well-stuffed envelopes brought to him on silver platters by the waiting staff. I think his name's Max or something because the locals keep saying to him 'how are you Max, well?' Then he laughs, mutters something about a fake body near the Canaries, and raises his glass of champagne toasting some pension funds. All very strange, I think he's deluded. So please make sure some come to me because so far I'm spending all my own money, and it's not cheap being an excommunicated communications officer, this rum's pricey I can tell you.

Whilst I remember, please make sure that everyone knows about the Quiz Night on Saturday 26th April, which we're hosting with the Village Hall Fundraising Committee. I think you've still got some tickets available. Also there's the BBQ and social tennis up at the courts on Sunday 11th May morning where, again, everyone is invited to come along to see what we're all about. Finally please promote the infamous Gazebo construction demonstration during our Play Tennis Day on Saturday 21st June. Again with BBQ providing I get home in time. I still think it was a tad stingy of the club just to get that one-way ticket, and having to travel as hold luggage in that cage with the six amorous skunks wasn't the best way to start an assignment. Good job you got me a 'room' near the sea so I could bathe easily; so easily in fact I didn't even have to get out of bed, the tide just came in.

Still it's a nice hole in the sand, and I'm thinking of making a roof out of palm tree leaves to keep the seagulls out.

Anyway I must sign off as 'Max' has just received another parcel and I'm going to ask him for a loan to pay off Mr Banks and secure another week's worth of rum and cokes. Then I've got to chop a palm tree down, post off the Subbuteo pitches and go for another swim to remove the latest seagull messages. After that I'll need a rest so if you need me I'll be in my hole, just ask for me at the hotel, most of the waiters know the hole because that's where they throw the kitchen leftovers.

Speaking of which - lunch has arrived! I just need to scrape the wet sand and congealed gravy off last night's sea bass. Yummy!

Thank you again for the opportunity to serve you and the club so loyally, I remain,

Your obedient servant
Agent Andy

For any further information about the club, including when we get together for our social tennis sessions up at the School Lane courts, or our various activities, please call either Chairman Ross Bagni, Coach Nick Boys, or if they're all out and I've not been thrown into a Cayman jail for subversive money laundering, me, Andy Cross.

Source: Focus, April 2008